Knowing When a Marriage Is Over
A recent op-ed, “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person,” garnered a great deal of attention on social media when it was published and for days after. Some readers saw it as a tribute to the beauty and complexity of marriage, but others saw it as a way to rationalize staying in a bad relationship. When is it time to give up on a marriage or a relationship? What should be a definitive breaking point?
* op-ed = (美) (신문의 사설 반대쪽 페이지인) 기명 논평 페이지/ garner = (정보, 지지 등을) 얻다[모으다]/ a great deal of ~ = 다량의, 많은 ~/ tribute to ~ = ~에 대한 감사, 경의의 표시/ rationalize = 합리화하다/ give up on ~ = ~을 단념하다/ definitive = 확정적인, 최종적인/ breaking point = 한계점
결혼 또는 관계를 단념해야 하는 때는 언제인가요? 최종적인 한계점은 무엇이 되어야 하나요?
1. Deciding Whether to Stay Married Requires Real Honesty
Society makes it extraordinarily difficult for people to say, “I don’t want to work on my marriage. I want out.”
2. Being Happier as a Couple Is Often a Mirage
Happiness is a balance between accepting people as they are and changing yourself so that accepting people as they are is less painful.
3. The Loss of Love and Respect Can Be Hard to Repair
Some couples are better at repairing their conflicts than others and those skills are often the difference between success and failure.
4. Don’t Rely on Relationship ‘Experts’ for Answers
Even when circumstances would seem to make divorce an easy choice, as in dealing with abuse or infidelity, it's rarely black or white.
5. Forgiving Vs. Forgetting in Deciding Whether to Stay
In most troubled relationships, the breaking point is when one person has done or said something for which there can be no forgiveness.
6. Money Can Mask a Problem That Can Be Fixed
If a break-up is because of a difference in values or mistrust, couples should consider whether the benefits of ending the relationship outweigh the emotional and physical costs.
Sample Essay
The Loss of Love and Respect Can Be Hard to Repair
We love love. People are wired to seek out connections with other people, and the greatest kind of connection is the one where we fall in love and commit our lives to one another. The reality is that many of these relationships come to an end, and way too often they end badly. No one wants to walk away too soon. No one wants to look back with regret and think “if only I had tried a little harder, we could have worked it out."
Conflicts arise in the best of relationships, that’s the norm. Some couples are better at repairing their conflicts than others and those repair skills are often the difference between success and failure. Far too many couples think that the presence of conflict means the relationship might be flawed and maybe should be given up on. But research shows that conflict management can be learned and improved. Having arguments doesn’t have to mean the relationship will fail.
So what does cause a relationship to fail? Is there a way to know that “it just isn’t working for us"? At the Gottman Institute, 40 years of research on couples has taught us the difference between the ones who make it and the ones who don’t. There is an emotional connection that occurs when couples like, admire and respect each other. They talk to each other. They laugh together. When they speak to others about their partner they tend to brag about how great they are. Some couples stop talking, laughing and admiring each other and the emotional bond becomes frayed. Sometimes people can even point to a specific moment in time when the bond broke for them and for other it’s more gradual. It’s hard, often impossible to repair when that bond of love and respect is truly broken.
